A butcher went out on a date. Guess what he said?
“Nice to meat you.”
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I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but client was having technical issues.
The client texted and said, “Please bare with me.”
Thought it was an odd request, but he’s the client.
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Why do programmers and coders hate nature?
It has too many bugs.
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One fine day Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car.
As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
“Oh no,” Ole protested, “I was only doing tirty, officer.”
“No, you were doing fifty,” replied the cop.
“Really, officer, I was only doing tirty”, Ole replied stubbornly.
“Well,” bellowed the cop, “I clocked you doing FIFTY!”
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up, “Officer, you really shouldn’t argue with Ole ben he’s been drinking.”
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Your mama so old her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!
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A yam and a hot dog are having a heart-to-heart.
Yam: “Can I be candied with you?”
Hot dog: “In that case, let me be frank.”
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Today, I found out there are places that sell fake scallops made out of white fish.
There are a lot of cod artists out there.
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A tip to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right and then to the left.
Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered something to eat.
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It’s hotter than the cracks in my dad’s beer belly.
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Why do cops that play basketball like donuts the most?
Because they love to dunk them.
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My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.
She won’t find out until she unpacks her luggage.
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A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he needs a haircut and doesn’t have much extra time.
He remembers there’s a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he’s back on his way.
A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.
“Hello again, Sir,” the barber says. “What can I do for you?”
“Oh, I’d like another haircut, but I’m awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?”
“Of course,” says the barber. “Anything you want. Take a seat.”
The businessman sits down.
“So what would you like?” asks the barber.
“Well, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.
For my mustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitler’s.
Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.
I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.
Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.
When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.
Blend the sides in, but don’t blend in the back.
And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.”
The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.
“I can’t do all that!” he says.
“Why not?” the businessman asks. “That’s what you did last time.”
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Good morning, sweetie!
When I get up, my initial idea is of just how you feel, after that, I obtain you a cup of coffee, placed it down, as well as back away, gradually...
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How can you tell a police horse from a normal horse?
The police horse goes “Neigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-naw”.
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I randomly encountered a video on YouTube that’s says “How to stop procrasinating”.
I thought it was beneficial to me since I am constantly procrastinating, so I saved it to watch later.
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An insurance agent visited his local museum and accidentally knocked over a statue.
The museum curator said to him, “That’s a six hundred year old statue that you’ve broken!”
The insurance agent replied, “Thank God for that! I thought it was a new one.”
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An ant approaches an elephant and asks, “Would you like to play?”
“Sure,” replies the elephant.
“So, what’s your favorite game?” the ant inquires.
“Squash,” says the elephant.
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Husband to friend: “The physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.”
Friend: “And is she doing this?”
Husband: “Well, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.”
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There are no losers when eating hot dogs.
Only wieners.
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An astronaut stepped in gum on the moon.
He’s stuck in orbit.
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